


I didn’t sign up for this!

by LostCove



Category: Trolls (Movies 2016 2020)
Genre: #10/10 parenting, #Barb is such a good mom, #clueless gay pining, #how do you tag, F/F, Not Beta Read
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-11 23:14:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28625541
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostCove/pseuds/LostCove
Summary: Barb is met with a delightful bundle of joy that she did in fact NOT plan for. It’s now poppy’s job to make sure she doesn’t accidentally kill the poor thing. But what wonderful things can happen when your stuck babysitting with someone who you TOTALLY don’t like!
Relationships: Branch/Riff (Trolls), Queen Barb/Queen Poppy (Trolls), barb/poppy
Comments: 5
Kudos: 16





	1. Fate bestowed me a pain in the neck

“BARB!” Yelled a muffled voice from down the hallway, concern and worry lingered in the frantic call for the queen of rock.

It was late morning, barb blinked open her tired and achy eyes as she turned her gaze toward the door, still half-asleep. “BARB, UH- YOU MIGHT WANNA COME HERE A SEC!” The frantic voice said once more, making the now very awake, and very grumpy barb swing her legs out of bed and onto the rough and carpeted floor with a grunt. 

She threw on her ripped tank top and a pair of plaid bottoms, still wanting to be comfortable after getting so obnoxiously woken up. She sauntered over to the door with a scowl on her face, clearly about to rip the soul out of whoever dared to wake her up so early. Barb slammed open her door to express her displeasure as she stomped groggily down the hallway, very curious as to what the issue was.

As she approached the gaggle of rock trolls that lingered around the front entrance, she saw they were all gathered around something.. or.. some..one? No, that can’t be right. They were looking DOWN at something- no troll is that short unless.. barb pushed past all of the gathered trolls as she growled, eager to see what was on the other side of the huddle. As she made her way through, she saw riff at the very front of the commotion looking quite stressed.

“Riff what the hell is going on here dude?” Barb said as she grabbed the drummers shoulder, yanking him to face her with a very un pleased scowl. “Well- uh- sorry for waking you up your rockness.. but uh..” he squeaked out, pointing down towards something on the floor. 

Barb snapped her attention over to the small basket on the floor, roughly shoving riff out of her way as she curiously walked up to it, tilting her head as she squinted. “Is that a…?” She said, reaching down into the basket carefully with shaky hands. “Dude… no fucking way…” barb mumbled as she picked up the thing that was in the basket- her eyes widened as she turned to the crowd with a frantic scream. “WHO THE FUCK LEFT A WHOLE ASS BABY HERE?!” 

She quickly deadpanned to riff, who was very VERY nervously backing away- seemingly trying to escape the venomous glare of the rock queen. “PLEASE tell me you know what the fuck is going on riff or I swear..” she growled through gritted teeth as she marched up to the cowering drummer, baby still in hands.

“BARB! I-I swear I don’t know anything!! Someone just like- left it here and I didn’t know what to do so I called you and I-“ Barb groaned, silencing the poor and very visibly stressed riff as she pushed back past the sea of curious rock trolls. “GET LOST!” She barked, leaving them all to scatter and trip over each other as they scurried out of the entrance.

“So what are we gonna do with it.” Barb said with a groan as she pinched the bridge of her nose, cradling the tiny black-haired troll in her left arm. “I dunno.. do you wanna like… keep it?” Riff lifted the brim of his beanie as he scooted closer to barb, a crooked smile on his face as he ‘awwed’ “it’s really cute barb, kinda looks like you!” He said reaching a hand out to ruffle the small black hair the tiny tot was sporting. 

Barb quickly slapped riffs hand away with a scoff, rolling her eyes dramatically “dude, there’s like no way in HELL we’re keeping a BABY. We don’t even know the first THING about raising one of these things!” Riff rubbed his hand with a small pout, sort of nodding at barbs point. “Yeah, yeah.. I guess your right.. but um.. maybe queen poppy could help you out! I heard she’s real good with kids! Well- that’s what branch told me anyways-“ he suggested with a shrug, still rubbing his sore hand. 

Barb rose an eyebrow, her gaze turning down to the small troll that was looking very comfortable in the rock queen’s grasp. Her curiosity rose as she considered the idea.. after all, she could use a little visit to pop village- seeming as it wouldn’t hurt.

“Okay, fine. but ONLY because I get to get out of this place- we’ve been cooped up for WAY too long.” Barb nods her head, very into the(partial) lie she just told herself to be more open about heading over to see poppy. Riff gave a dorky smile as he ran past barb to gather up some supplies for the trip, barb wasn’t complaining though. As long as she got to go and tell poppy about her little problem everything was worth it.

She looked back down at the baby who was now occupying BOTH her arms, now very fast asleep. Barbs eyes softened as she watched the tiny thing cuddle up to her chest, a tiny smile forming on her usually very serious face as she gave a small sigh.

“This sure is gonna be something.” She mumbled under her breath, turning to the entrance as riff scrambled out with bags in his hands- eager to finally get out of the musty volcano cave, as barb followed not too far behind.


	2. Dude! I’m trying to drive here!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the duo venture to pop village, the baby they’re hauling has other ideas.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entire chapter is just them listening to a baby cry lmao I’m so sorry.

Barb loaded up the back of the critter bike, all the stuff packing on more than the desired weight, however slightly manageable. She hopped on with baby still in hand as riff got on behind her, fiddling with his hat as he hummed quietly.  
She quickly looked at the handles, then down at her arms, then back at the handles before letting out a groan. “UGH! Dude! Why the hell am I still carrying this thing? I have to drive man! You take it!” She said, trying to seem confident in her idea of ‘making as little contact with it as possible so I don’t seem soft’, because after all- she IS a rock troll. Save the mushy stuff for pop village!

Riff quickly nodded and took the infant from barb as he blurted “yes, your rockness!”- his hat slanted and crooked from him fiddling with it.  
Barb turned back and started up the critter bike, which led to the baby letting out a VERY displeased wail. Barb groaned, but felt bad for the kid. Of course she forgot that babies hated loud noises, it’s like.. common knowledge! Or, whatever.

Riff was squirming behind her, trying to both simultaneously soothe the baby as he fought to not cover his ears. Sure, the music they play is loud, but the sound of a baby cry is absolutely earth-shatteringly deafening.  
Barb scrunched up her face as she opened one eye to see where she was going, trying not to mind the wailing siren behind her. She rode as fast as she could, hoping to make it quickly as possible so she could finally escape this noisey prison.

It was about 10 minutes into the drive, the none-stop sobbing from behind barb had really started to take its toll as she desperately tried to remain sane. Her right eye was twitching like crazy as her fingers tightly gripped the handlebars, so desperate for relief of this audible nightmare.  
It was only about 2 minutes later when she let out a holler and skidded the bike to a stop, quickly jumping off and shoving her head in the nearby stream, desperately craving mercy from the child’s cries of torture. 

Riff held the baby stiffly, whiplashed by the sudden jerk of the bike and the quick dismount barb did. He blinked, then let out a thankful sigh. “Man, that was crazy!” He said through a half chuckle half sob- hair still wildly out of place as his beanie slanted down to the side, looking quite stupid.

Barb finally pulled her head from the water, gasping for air as she turned to riff with wild and very aggravated eyes. “Dude, if you don’t quiet that thing RIGHT. NOW. I am seriously going to DROWN MYSELF.” She spat, water running down her face and chin as her mascara also did the same.  
“Oh! I’m s-sorry! I’ll do that right now!!” Riff yelped, looking back down at the still crying, infant. “Shhshhh!! Quiiieeeet now ..uh… little guy!!! There’s no need to cryyy!!” He said in a hushed but hurried tone, trying to make it stop as quickly as he could, awkwardly rocking the poor thing.

The baby continued to cry, as riffs pleads were to no avail. He quickly started to look between barb and the kid as he shouted “dude I can’t stop it!! I think you broke him or something!!” He said; holding his hands out as he presented the baby, still hollering its head off.

Barb growled, quickly hopping up from her previous floor position as she stomped over to riff and the annoying little creature. “Fine! I’ll deal with it myself!” She said, snatching the thing out of his hands as she (gently) began to cradle it, rocking her arms back and forth slowly with a (VERY raspy) hum. 

The baby quickly and suddenly began to hush down, it’s cries dying down to small chokes and hiccups here and there. Barb continued to hum, her eyes closed with concentration as she sighed with relief. Her ears weren’t being mauled anymore by that obnoxious crying, so she was basically in pure heaven right now. 

She continued to rock and hum, trying to get the infant as peaceful as physically possible, her concentrated frown shifting to a very pleased (and very adorable) crooked grin. Riff dared not make a sound, the scene playing before him was absolutely to die for and he wasn’t about to ruin it at this very moment.

Suddenly, barb froze when she felt a pair of tiny hands placed on her cheek, her surprise making her snap her eyes open and completely stop what she was doing entirely. Her gaze shifted downward to meet a very happy, and VERY cheered up little baby.  
She blinked, quickly realizing that she had fixed the baby's mood and shoved it back into the hands of a very unsuspecting riff. 

He let out a surprised Yelp, which elicited an eye roll from barb. “Look, i got the thing to shut up and that’s ONLY what it was about, okay? Don’t look at me like I just saved an entire litter of kittypillars or something- it was just to make it stop screaming! Nothing more!” She crossed her arms with a growl as she wiped the runny mascara out of her eyes. 

“Now put some headphones or something on it! So i don’t like, make it cry again!” She said, mounting the critter bike with a quiet ‘uuf’. Riff quickly nodded and dug in the baggage, desperately trying to find something to drown out the sounds from the babies sensitive ears. “Ah! I got these!” He said with a lop-sided smile, holding up a pair of fairly worn down sound cancelers.

“Sure sure, I guess that’ll work for the trip- just- hurry up will ya! I gotta start up this bike man.” She grunted, turning towards the handle bars as she waited for the ‘O-K’. Her fingers drumming the rhythm to ‘we will rock you’ as she waited with a frustrated grunt.

“Alright, I think we’re all ready!” Riff called, tapping barb on the shoulder as he gripped onto both her and the now peaceful child that sat safely in his lap. Barb nodded and without a warning, shot off like a bullet. Riff gave a fearful shriek as she darted over the many streams and hills that came at them while they rode as fast as the bike could physically go.

Barb gave a daring smirk as she weaved through trees and bushes and all sorts of vegetation, making their way quickly through the forest with no intent on stopping. 

As she raced through the forest, the strange tingle in her chest got more and more unbearable, the nervousness starting to be visibly apparent on her face as she thought about seeing poppy , about how she’d explain the mess to her once she got there. It was TOO long in barbs opinion, what if poppy didn’t want her there? Or.. maybe she’s busy! Or.. maybe she doesn’t want to see Barb right now!! Or maybe she- .. SNAP OUT OF IT! She told herself. Poppy will be pleased to see you, yeah, that’s it, think positive!

It was only when barb regained herself when she realized she was coming up on pop village, and from the sound of the busy, and unbelievably LOUD ‘hammer time’ that was going on, she knew that she would find poppy rather quickly. 

Barb quickly pulled her bike to a halt on the outskirts of pop village. Jumping off her bike as quickly as she could while also pulling riff down, causing him to stumble and trip- thankfully caught by barb snagging him by the collar of his shirt and pulling him right back up again. “Come on dude it’s not the time for falling on your ass, we gotta hurry up.”

The two (and a half) rock trolls nervously wandered into the village, peeking around plants and houses to try and discreetly find the queen of pop, however to no avail as there was no bright pink troll in sight. 

Much to their confusion and disappointment, they turned to each other with a sign “I guess we might have to split up to find Poppy, I can’t find her in the crowd.” Barb said, a rather disappointed frown on her face. It wasn’t even a second later before she heard an oh too familiar voice pipe up behind them.

“Barb…? Is that… you?” 

Oh god.

Oh no.

She’d found them first.


	3. Wow, you really played it smooth there, barb.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barb totally knows how to keep her cool, totally.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I’m not really vibing with this, like, at all. But it’s something- so uh. Take it I guess. I may have trailed off a bit and left some parts a little long but, oh well, more words to read I guess!

Barbs eyes shot open like a terrified rabbit who had just seen a hawk shadow loom over it, she turned around as slowly as she could to contain her terror and surprise, not wanting to face poppy and her adorable little smile- wait no shit I mean… poppy and her .. cute laugh! Augh, no! Poppy and her totally JUDGING deep eyes… yeah, nailed it.

She stopped dead in her turn when she met a pair of concerned yet cheery pink eyes, the gaze asking questions yet so inviting she just couldn’t resist spilling like a floodgate.

“I-I HAVE A BABY!” Barb blurted, quickly slapping a rough hand over her mouth as soon as she had spoken. “OH MY GOSH BARB WHAT?!” Poppy screamed, a cross between a horrified shout and a giddy laugh. “W-WAIT NO I DIDN'T MEAN IT LIKE THAT!!” Barb stuck her hands out to block the bright pink troll from running past her, still trying to explain the situation.

“I mean- ugh stand still!” Barb groaned- gripping poppy’s shoulders with a surprisingly strong hold. “Barb you JUST told me you had a baby and you expect me not to want to SEE IT? What kind of soulless creature do you take me for! C'mon lemme see!!” Poppy pleaded, using her sweetest puppy eyes on the already, very flustered, Barbra. 

NO!” Barb yelped, realizing she sounded a bit more desperate and nervous than she intended to. “I mean..” she cleared her throat. “No.. just- let me explain first, okay?” Barb looked at poppy with pleading eyes, her hands slowly releasing from the now focused pop queen’s shoulders.

She backed away, letting out a sigh of relief as she looked back at riff, beckoning him over with the wave of her hand. He quickly ran to barb, still holding the (surprisingly peaceful) little tot in his arms, holding it out to her. “Here you go, barb!” He said with a slight voice crack. 

Barb gently took the baby, raising a brow at the drummer. “Dude, chill.” She mumbled, not able to retain any of that chill for herself.

Turning back to Poppy, she tucked the baby into her arm, taking off the baby’s headphones and handing them back to riff. “So uh, here it is…” she rubbed the back of her neck, unable to look poppy in the face out of sheer fear and embarrassment. 

“Oh, wow barb! They look just like you! What’s their name? Who’s the other parent?” Poppy said, with an excited and giddy tone, still going ‘awwe’ at the tiny face that curiously looked up at her. 

“Like I SAID, it’s not like that! This isn’t MY kid!” Barb pleaded; covering her face with a free hand as she tried not to appear any more flustered as she already previously was. “We just found it! Literally! Someone left the thing with us and never came back for it! So like- we’re kinda stuck with it now..” 

Barb pouted; holding out the baby to a very accepting poppy as she took it without another word. “So, the reason we CAME here was .. that um..” barb fiddled with her earring, eyes glued to the floor. “Could you maybe.. I dunno, help us keep this thing alive? I don’t know the first thing about babies and assumed maybe you’d know a thing or tw-“ 

Her sentence was stopped short when a loud hollar rang out in her ears- eliciting a quick startled jump from the rock troll. “AAAAAAAAAOOOOF COURSE I’LL HELP YOU!! BARB THIS IS GONNA BE SOOO FUN!” The pink troll squealed as she wrapped an arm around the rockers neck, pulling her into a soft but FIRM headlock. 

“Auuugh!!” Barb protested, tugging at poppy’s arm as she struggled for air. “That’s great and all but I need to breathe, popcorn!” Barb wheezed between words. “Oh!! Haha sorry about that!!” Poppy chuckled; opening her arm as barb fell with a THUD.

“So what, do we just give the kid to you or?” Barb cocked her head, looking back at riff, then to poppy. 

“WHAT? No way! Come on, let’s get you both set up at my place!” Poppy chirped as she grabbed Barb's arm, tugging her towards the VERY noticeably pink pod.” 

Maybe this is a good time to freak out, right? Yeah, tough when you can’t even register whats happening in the half second that you’re being carted along like some child though a candy isle, unable to make out what kind of m&m’s just flashed before your eyes before you realize you’re in the produce section. Great. Fan-fucking-tastic. This one is gonna be hard to weasel your way out of, but do you even want that? Well, tough luck, because it doesn’t look like she’s giving you an option. 

“POPPY! WAIT DUDE!-“ barb yelped as she skidded along the forest floor of the pop village, frantically trying not to become one with the dirt as she kept her body from being dragged down by the unfaltering pink pop troll.

As soon as poppy heard Barb’s pleas, she paused her speed walking, causing barb to crash into her which sent them both tumbling in a tangle of limbs and Hair. 

“Woah! are you guys okay?” Riff ran over to the floored and groaning pile of pink and purple mess, cautiously peeking his head over the baby as he checked the damage. 

Barb let out a groan; opening an eye as she felt something heavy on her chest- only to find a pair of deep pink set eyes gazing back at her. “U-uh-“ barb fumbled on her words- brain and heart racing too fast to comprehend the situation at hand. 

_POPPY WAS ON TOP OF HER. FACE MERELY INCHES AWAY! No, this seriously CANNOT be happening right now._

Barb’s face began to flush as her breathing picked up- unsure of what to do about this pink troll who seemingly didn’t mind them being this close to each other.

It was only about another 10 seconds of silent staring that poppy quickly snapped to her senses.

“O-oh!” Chimed poppy, giving a nervous giggle- quickly pushing herself off of the very much brain-fried troll. “I’m sorry! I stopped too quickly- heh.. you’re not hurt are you??” Her nervous stature shifted to worriedness, offering a hand to the still very much ground-planted troll who had yet to respond, verbally and physically. 

“Uh.. poppy I think you just BROKE her.” Said riff, a concerned hint in his tone. “Maybe she hit her head or something??” She suggested; picking up barbs head in her hands as she studied the darker troll’s face and head for any injuries.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, barb slapped a pink hand off of her face, practically alerting the two that she had in fact, not hit her head, and was very much indeed fine. 

“G-get off me will’ya!” Barb barked, jumping up quickly as she brushed her top and plaid pants off with a growl. “I’m fine, but what I was TRYNA tell you is that our stuff is back with my critter bike, and we should probably get it if you wanna trap us in yer’ house for a while.” 

“Ohhh! I’m sorry, yes, we will grab your stuff once you both get situated - although my place is a bit small for three… maybe we can make arrangements!” Poppy gasped. “And I know just the troll!”

“You wanna do what now?” Barb scrunched her face, trying to make sense of the pink troll’s wild direction of thought. “Oh, well since I’m sure you two wouldn’t want to be placed in just one room, of course! I can make some plans with branch so that one of you can stay at his bunker! I’m sure he has an extra room nice and cozy for you!”

Barb was absolutely appalled at this idea, not only does poppy want to split them up but she wants to FORCE one of them in with that.. survival junkie! God, if she knew ANYTHING at that moment, it was that she was NOT going to be the one to have that unfortunate placement.

“RIFF CAN DO IT!” Barb blurted, throwing her hands out as if she were trying to stop a charging bull. “Huh?? Me??” He tilted his head, a bit startled at barbs sudden outburst. “I mean.. I wouldn’t mind, it’s not like I really care where I stay as long as I can explore the place, so I’m cool with it I guess.” Riff shrugged, pretty content with barb pushing him under the bus.

“Okay, well… then it’s settled! I’ll go get branch and tell him about the situation, and uh.. while I’m gone, barb, you can make yourself at home just inside there!” She pointed to the pod, taking the baby from riffs hands and placing them in barb’s. “And uh, don’t forget this! We’ll be needing to fix everything up for the little fella once we get all settled, got it?” 

Barb nodded with a blank stare, not daring to say another word as Poppy skipped off into the village dragging riff along by his sleeve, her intentions set on finding branch and getting everything sorted.

“Wow.” She let out a sigh, completely blank after all that had just happened. “So it seems we’re not going back for a bit…” Barb lingered, baby in hands as she glanced down, getting absolutely no response other than a curious pair of eyes looking back at her before a tiny squeal of happiness.

“You got that right.” She chuckled, turning heel and walking up the steps with a small groan. 

_ God her feet hurt.. how much has she walked today exactly?  _

It was only when she got inside to finally plop her aching body down on the couch when she heard it.

_ Knock knock knock. _

“Now what?”

  
  
  


“POPPY!” Chimed an all too familiar voice.

  
  
  
  


“Oh no. You have GOT to be kidding me.” 


	4. Small Update

Ok so this is on hold for a bit because I have like 3 different things I’m working on, but hopefully I keep the motivation to not throw this shit in the garbage hdhsbdbfgjshd

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Grrrrgh


End file.
